A BONCA Means They Love You
by Kimberly-A
Summary: Phil's perspective on the 2016 BONCAs (British Online Creator Awards)


**Author's Note:** Written for vivianadichiara on Tumblr in exchange for her help with a hush-hush Phandom Secret Santa project! I make no assumptions about Dan and Phil's relationship IRL—this is purely a work of fiction.

* * *

 **A BONCA Means They Love You**

As Phil put on his black jacket with its shiny gold embroidery, he realized that only his shoes remained and his outfit would be complete. He looked down at his socks and bemoaned the fact that they matched, but he didn't think Dan would appreciate his whimsical fashion sense in that regard tonight. In fact, Dan had loaned him a pair of his own plain black socks for the occasion.

Dan was nervous, so Phil was doing his best to make the night perfect. He put on his shoes and walked out into the lounge. Dan was standing at the hearth, fussing at his bowtie in the Lego mirror. Neither of them had occasion to wear bowties that often, but Dan had insisted that they both wear real ones and not the pre-tied kind. If they were going to a fancy "do," then they would do it right. As with the socks, Phil had acquiesced.

Luckily, Phil's father had taught him to tie a proper bowtie, so he helped Dan with his and then stood back to admire the full effect of Dan in his silver sequined jacket. "You look literally dazzling," he grinned.

Dan smiled, then sat down to pull on his shoes, still looking anxious.

* * *

"What are you so nervous about?" Phil asked him in the car on the way to the awards venue. "Is it the jacket? Because you know you pull it off!"

Dan adjusted the sparkly jacket slightly and shook his head. "No. I'm just worried…"

"Worried about what?" Phil was using his best coaxing voice. Sometimes Dan had to be cajoled into opening up when he was fretting about something.

Dan blew out a breath and nervously fussed with his fringe, then turned to look at Phil and said testily, "Fine. I'm worried that I'm going to win Creator of the Year."

Phil beamed at him. "But why? You have a great chance! You saw all our subscribers on Twitter, talking about voting. Why would you be worried about it?"

Dan frowned. "Because I don't deserve it. **You** do. You created the 7 Second Challenge. You created the Toilet Tag. You constantly have creative ideas that you get no credit for, and I'm worried that this is going to be just another example."

"Dan, I would be incredibly happy if you won!"

"But it would be just because I have more subscribers voting for me, not because I'm the better content creator. You never get credit for everything you do, and I'm afraid that's going to happen again tonight."

Phil was touched. Dan was so protective of him, and it was one of the oblique ways he showed how much he cared. He wasn't really one for overt proclamations, but he showed his caring in little ways, like giving Phil's opinion on things without being asked in a live show. Fans had picked up on it, but Dan didn't seem to care about that anymore. He just wasn't the type to come out with grand "I love you" announcements. He was more likely to show his feelings with, "Phil loves this anime" or a shoulder nudge, especially in front of other people. And Phil was fine with that.

Glancing at the driver to make sure his attention was on the road, Phil stealthily took Dan's hand in his. "Don't worry so much. We've worked together constantly in the past year, so if you win it'll be like we both won it, anyway." Phil smiled at him gently, and Dan's worried frown smoothed a bit. His fingers intertwined with Phil's and he gave Phil's hand a squeeze.

"That's true, I guess. But I really want everybody to see how amazing AmazingPhil really is."

Phil beamed at him, not having anything to say to that. They didn't say anything the rest of the drive, just smiling at each other and waiting to face the chaos of the red carpet and the crowd.

* * *

"And the British Creator of the Year goes to … Phil Lester!"

Dan began frantically applauding before realizing that he needed to stand to allow Phil room to pass his long legs to get to the aisle. He stood, still clapping, turning a beaming face in Phil's direction but not daring to touch a hand to his arm in congratulations though Phil was sure he wished he could. As Phil walked to the stage, Dan stayed standing a long moment, still applauding, the only standing figure in the venue, his sparkling jacket making him even more noticeable than he would otherwise have been, but he didn't seem to care at all as he smiled as if his face would break with it, hands still applauding joyously. As Phil reached the stage, Dan finally seemed to realize that he was drawing attention to himself and sat back down to give Phil everyone's full attention.

Phil sprinted across the stage to hug Grace and Mamrie and accept his award, then approached the podium. He felt a little stunned. Even though this was what Dan had wanted, it was not what either of them had thought would happen!

"Wow!" he began, not having prepared a speech, since he hadn't really thought this was a possibility. Surely if Dan didn't win, it would have been PJ! "This was really unexpected," he admitted to the screaming crowed. "Thank you so much to everyone that voted. This means a lot. If you'd told Phil of 10 years ago who was sat in his bedroom making a video on a black-and-white web camera that he'd be stood here, talking to so many people, he probably would have dived out of the window." Phil could hear his northern accent more pronounced than usual, as it usually was when he was nervous, but he just continued on. "So … don't be afraid to try new things … and follow your dreams a little bit." That got a lot of applause, as if everyone thought he was finished, but Phil couldn't let it end there. "But! But … there is one thing I want to say. I know our audience has been voting feverishly on Twitter. I've seen you all"—did anyone notice his use of "our"? He didn't really care at this point, not when he was about to make his feelings clear—"and … I spent the majority of 2016 with another person: Dan Howell. So I think it's only fair that he comes up here and shares this with me." They were gazing at each other at this point, as if none of the bright lights or cheering spectators even existed, smiles beaming on both their faces. This was the best possible outcome. Dan got what he wanted, which was for **Phil** to be recognized; and Phil got what he wanted, which was to have their **partnership** recognized.

Luckily, Dan's long legs took him to the stage quickly and he didn't leave Phil standing alone up there at the podium very long. He gestured helplessly at Phil as he crossed the stage, as if to say, "This is **your** award, you twat!" and so Phil joked, "We can saw it in half!" Dan was looking at him with such fondness in his eyes, it made it all worth it, even though he knew Dan would chide him on the way home for refusing to take his due credit as a solo creator. The fact was that Phil didn't really see himself as a solo creator, not this past year at least, not with all they'd gone through together with TATINOF, and so it wouldn't have seemed right to him to let Dan go unrecognized for all he'd contributed.

Dan had been completely unprepared for this eventuality, so he awkwardly made some joke about Beyoncé and Taylor Swift, and of course had to bring Kanye into it, but Phil played along, just enjoying Dan standing there beside him on the stage again, winning this award with him even if Dan would certainly have wanted him to take this moment to bask in solitary adulation. Phil didn't want to be solitary, not when he and Dan were together and Dan's presence at his side meant so much to him.

They joked a bit more about the universe ripping in half if they ventured too far apart from each other, and Dan concluded firmly, "Let's not try that."

Phil agreed quickly, "Let's not try that," meaning more than just in their careers. Then he raised the award above his head and began to leave the stage, but Dan did not follow him immediately. Instead, he stayed at the podium and called out insistently into the microphone, "Phil Lester, everyone!" and a cheer went up in the audience. As they exited the stage, Dan pressed a hand briefly to the small of Phil's back, and it was a small touch that spoke volumes about how proud he felt and how glad he was that he'd gotten to share that moment with Phil, even if it wasn't how he would have chosen to do it.

Backstage, Phil exclaimed, "I can't believe I won!"

Dan replied, "I can't believe you made me come up there with you, you idiot!" But the love and admiration in his voice was clear. He put his hand to Phil's back for just another moment, not wanting to be too obvious even in the dimness of the backstage area, and said softly, "I'm so proud of you."

Phil turned to look at him, beaming. Yes, it was nice to know that his hard work had been recognized, but it was even nicer to have gotten to share the moment with Dan. He wished he could kiss him then, but knew that it wouldn't be wise. So he just smiled at him and touched his hand to give it a quick squeeze, hoping no one was looking or that they would take it for a platonic gesture of affection in a moment of high emotion.

* * *

At the after party, everyone kept congratulating Dan and Phil on their joint awards, but especially Phil on Creator of the Year. They all had such nice things to say about everything he'd contributed to the YouTube community not just in the past year but over the course of the past decade. He felt like a dinosaur when they commented on his past contributions, but also felt proud of everything he'd done through the years that had earned so many people's respect, everything he'd done to apparently inspire others in their own creative endeavors.

Whenever possible, Dan graciously accepted congratulations on the joint awards but pointed out Phil's solo win as well. He also repeatedly thanked the panel of judges that had chosen TATINOF for Best Film, since it was the only award they'd won that wasn't chosen by popular vote. Phil gushed more than once about how great it was that online videos were now being recognized as a mainstream art form, deflecting attention from himself and onto the creative community as a whole, as was his wont. He'd never been one to chase the spotlight, even if they'd ironically played with that concept with a literal spotlight in their TATINOF show. Dan could only look on and smile. Phil was just humble like that. And he loved him for it.

* * *

In the car on the way home, Phil marveled, "Why do you think I won? You have so many more subscribers than I do, and the award was decided by votes!"

Dan shook his head, doubting that Phil would ever truly recognize his own worth. "Just because I have more subscribers doesn't mean that people don't realize how creative and unique you are, Phil. This is proof of that." He held up one of the awards, then realized he'd held up the Best Film one instead of Best Creator, and rummaged through the three awards, looking for the right one, making Phil laugh.

"You know what was the best part of the night?" Phil asked, his gaze trained lovingly on Dan's brown eyes as their warm color shifted with the street lamps shining in through the car windows in flashes as they drove through the London streets.

"What?" asked Dan quietly.

"Performing 'The Internet Is Here' with you, in our shiny jackets, with an audience of not just fans but also PJ and Sophie and Grace and Mamrie and Hazel and so many other YouTube creators. It was like we got to take this greatest achievement of our lives to date, and share it with our **other** community. You know, we have this community of subscribers, and the tour took us to them, but we also have this community of fellow YouTubers. It was nice to get to share this with them. Even if I do feel a little bit like we sort of took over the whole show." He could feel himself blushing.

Dan took his hand, not even looking to see if the driver was watching them, and squeezed gently. "They **asked** us to perform. And we **won** awards. We didn't take over anything. People **wanted** to see us, and to see us **win**." He paused a long moment, then added, "Just get used to being loved, Phil Lester." It was the closest Dan had ever come to a real declaration, and Phil basked in it. He squeezed Dan's hand in return and looked out the window at the city going past.

"Being loved feels pretty good," he said quietly, and smiled.

* * *

 **Author's End Note:** I'm still working on finishing "Moving On" (only 3 more chapters!), but this was just a little side project that excited me when vivianadichiara suggested it. Thank you, vivianadichiara, for the idea! And don't forget that comments feed the writer!


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